


Like Nostradamus and da Vinci Combined

by Aeolian



Series: So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep [1]
Category: Marvel 616, Secret Avengers
Genre: F/F, Femslash February Trope Bingo, Misunderstandings, Road Trips, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 03:05:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3365372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeolian/pseuds/Aeolian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know that saying, be careful what you wish for, lest it come true? Good job, you went to the mandatory S.H.I.E.L.D. meeting after the Tlon fiasco. Because, while Natasha came back from The Land beyond the Black Hole (which may or may not be a good thing; we'll get back to that) and Coulson sprung an irremovable Captain America suit, Vlad developed a sense of taste.</p><p>Or: Vlad's first taste of caramel gelato leaves him a little cold.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Nostradamus and da Vinci Combined

**Author's Note:**

> This will likely be Jossed to all hell in a week, but whatever. If you haven't read Ales Kot's Secret Avenger run, this will likely make no sense at all. If you've read it, it will...still not make sense at all. (No, but seriously, go read it. It features the Coulson & Fury's bromance, Clint and Phil recreating that scene from The Notebook, the many names of M.O.D.O.K., and the natural progression of Nat/Jess towards a single hive mind.)
> 
> I will be very sad if Clint doesn't walk away from the Tlon event without at least a lightsaber-bow.

You know that saying, be careful what you wish for, lest it come true? Good job, you went to the mandatory S.H.I.E.L.D. meeting after the Tlon fiasco. Because, while Natasha came back from The Land beyond the Black Hole (which may or may not be a good thing; we'll get back to that) and Coulson sprung an irremovable Captain America suit, Vlad developed a sense of taste.

"Boy do I envy you," said Jess, scooping solidified bliss into a bowl, "You get to have caramel gelato as your first taste of food. I don't even know what my first experience with food was--probably some nasty HYDRA science-y gunk."

Vlad lifted the spoon with his (also-) new claw, and fed himself a mouthful of gelato. There was a crackle, and then silence.

"Well?" said Jess, tilting her head to the side.

There was a buzzing noise before Vlad spoke, his voice glitching oddly. "I do not believe that was to my taste."

"What?" said Jess in disbelief.

"Commencing suicide protocol. Countdown starting at twenty minutes."

" _What?!_ "

 

* * *

  

Remember getting back to that part about Natasha coming back? Yep, because no good deed in Jess's life goes unpunished. Just before the mission that got Natasha sucked into a black hole, Jess had made the mistake of giving her a good-luck kiss. It wasn't exactly unprecedented, since they'd had a thing going on for a couple of months.

Except it was, since they'd never been ones for PDA. Or any DA at all, come to think of it. In fact, Jess had been afraid to ask if the sex meant anything, a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that she was way more into Natasha than the other way around. A nagging feeling that was confirmed when Natasha, instead of returning the kiss, gently pulled away and said, "Hey, maybe we should we should rethink this."

Okay, _ouch_. Also, it turned out to be the opposite of good luck. See: sucked into a black hole.

So it was awkward as hell when Jess ran into her on the way to save Vlad from himself. Super awkward. Clint-and-Jess levels of awkward. After staring at each other for a while, Natasha finally said, hesitantly, "So about what I said the other day--"

"No, it's totally cool," blurted Jess, "You're definitely right. Rethinking, cooling our heels. Um, excuse me for a minute, gotta go save the world."

Jess fled the scene.

"Are you trying to feed an entire Somolian orphanage?" said Natasha, when she caught up to Jess all of two minutes later, raising an eyebrow at the mountain of food on Jess's tray.

"No, just one suicidal weapon of mass destruction," explained Jess, balancing more plates of pie on top, "Vlad didn't like the taste of caramel gelato."

" _What_?" said Natasha with the right level of outrage.

"I _know,_ " said Jess, just as emphatically.

"Maybe he doesn't like sweets," said Natasha, handing her a plate of sizzling bacon.

"Maybe you're right!" exclaimed Jess, grabbing the plate.

"Of course I am," Jess heard as she high-tailed it out of there, "I'm never wrong."

 

* * *

 

"The difference in taste and texture is noticeable," droned Vlad after the first crunch of bacon, "But the foodstuff itself is insipid. Eight minutes remain."

"What could be as good as caramel gelato and bacon?" said Jess, mournfully.

"I think we're thinking about this wrong," said Natasha, "Vlad, how would you like to catalogue all the differences in food? We'll find something to your liking, I'm sure."

Vlad thought about this for a minute. "Very well. Delaying countdown to seven days. Six days, twenty three hours and fifty nine minutes remain."

 

* * *

 

Jess figured, what's a little takeout between friends, right? New York was a big city, with lots of crazy food. There had to be something Vlad liked. But if you had a feeling that wasn't how things were going to go?

Well, you'd be right.

"We're going _where_?" yelped Jess, as the convertible lifted off.

"Paris," said Natasha, as if they just going around the corner to the bodega, "We've been greenlit for a week-long mission."

"Maria Hill let you take a week off for a _foodie vacation_?"

"No, Steve Rogers did," smirked Natasha, "And it's a mission, not a vacation, right?"

"Yeah, sure," said Jess, "How's the backseat?"

"Adequate," said Vlad, "Are we there yet?"

They ended up gorging themselves on macarons and cheese, escargot and eclairs, from the tiniest cafes to opulent restaurants. Either S.H.I.E.L.D.'s budget had grown since her last mission, or Natasha had stolen Tony Stark's black AmEx.

"Did you enjoy the day?" said Natasha.

"What the hell is seaweed butter?" said Jess, squinting at the room service menu.

"Insufficient data," said Vlad, "I will need the room to meditate on the data."

Jess looked up in surprise. "But this is our room! You can meditate in _your own room_."

"I require the larger space for my mind to expand. Good night."

 

* * *

 

They stared at the single queen-sized bed in the other room for a long time, before Jess said, lamely, "I can go sleep in the car."

"Nonsense. The bed's big enough to share, unless you hog the sheets."

It was weird how this was the first time she stayed the night, sharing a bed with Natasha, with a foot of space between them, like--like Puritans, or something. Jess didn't know. Her education was pretty light on history. Was it weird? Didn't they put a board between them too? Should she grab a pillow to separate them?

Of course, that only made it infinitely weirder the next morning, when she woke up with her nose pressed against Natasha's hair, the pillow squashed between them like the world's worst bundling board.

"Good morning," purred Natasha, in a throaty voice straight out of Jess's wildest dreams.

"Uh, hi, I'm going to take a shower now, bye!" squeaked Jess before fleeing for the bathroom.

She turned the temperature knob all the way to the left, scrubbing her hair, trying to get the sweet scent of Natasha's hair out of her nose, which _wasn't working_ because she was using the same bottle of hotel shampoo that Natasha had used last night. She was going to have _associations_ with the smell of imitation almond. _Ugh._

 

* * *

 

London was more rain than it was worth (was there some law about loyalty about one's birthplace? Was Jess going to get struck down by lightning?). Barcelona, on the other hand, was an endless conveyor belt of tapas, each more delicious than the last, washed down with Spanish wine.

"Can you even get drunk?" Jess asked.

"Not with this sugar water," said Natasha.

"Insufficient data," said Vlad.

"Wait, are you quoting Arthur C. Clarke at me, or do you really need more data points?" demanded Jess. Natasha giggled.

"Insufficient data," said Vlad, smugly.

 

* * *

 

They landed in Rome at dusk, right in the middle of the Passeggiata del Gianicolo.

"I need to stretch my legs," said Natasha, "Coming?"

Vlad said, "I am contemplating the socioeconomic impact of superhero iconography on American consumerism over the last half century. No, thank you."

"Cool. You do that," said Jess, nearly tripping in her haste to get out, "We'll be taking a nice. Long. Walk."

They end up wandering along the Tiber River. Halfway across the Ponte Sisto, the setting sun peeked out from between heavy clouds as Natasha turned to smile at something stupid Jess said, and her hair blazed like fiery copper, her face lit up all pink and gorgeous. Even with everything else falling apart around her, Jessica couldn't help feeling warmed from inside out. She leaned her shoulder against Natasha's.

Halfway back to the car, Jess realized they had been holding hands _for a while now_.

"Oh, sorry," she gasped, feeling her entire face go red. She tried to take her hand back, but Natasha held on.

"Don't be," said Natasha slowly, like she was trying out the words, "It's nice."

They weren't the only women holding hands, Jess noticed. This was something that friends did, right? They were blending in like champs.

 

* * *

 

"Maybe the problem is that we're looking in the wrong direction," said Jess, "West when we should be looking East."

They landed in Bangkok the next night, a dazzling array of skyscrapers practically sitting on top of each other. Of course, not that Jessica could enjoy any of it, grouchy after losing a night of sleep trying to figure out what the _hand-holding meant_ , not to mention the five nights of sleeping way too close to her...ex? Secret ex? Friend No Longer With Benefits?

"What do you want to try first? Tom Yum soup? Pad Thai? Khao Pad?" said Jess, scrolling through her phone.

"Thai massage," said Vlad.

"That's not a main dish," said Jess, "Try again."

"I'm sorry, am I rubbing you the wrong way?" said Vlad.

Jess couldn't even crack a smile if she tried. Natasha patted Vlad's casing and said, "A for effort."

 

* * *

 

So, maybe Vlad had a point. Three hours later, feeling much more at peace with the world, a floppy-limbed Jess emerged back into the world.

"Was that better than Russian massage?" asked Natasha.

"Did it have caramel gelato and a private shooting range?" said Jess loyally. Natasha smiled.

 

* * *

 

In Shanghai, Vlad refused to come out of his room.

"Maybe you don't have to have a favorite food to keep living," Jess called through the door, "Don't give up. There's so much out there still to experience."

"Like what?" said Vlad, skeptically.

"Well, we haven't really tried music yet, right?" said Jess. "You'll love music."

"Or skydiving," said Natasha.

Jess boggled. "Or we could try to contact Vision. He's got to have some of the same experiences right?"

"Just go," intoned Vlad in a flat voice, "And let me ponder the ennui of existence."

"We'll bring you back a souvenir," called Jess.

 

* * *

 

"Hey, are you okay?" said Natasha. The Oriental Pearl Tower might no longer be the tallest building in Shanghai, but wow, was the view from the top spectacular. "You've been jumpy since Rome."

"You know us spiders," said Jess with more cheer than she felt, twisting her hands in her pocket, "Always jumping around."

Natasha wasn't the type to chew her lip, but the look on her face said that she would if she could.

"Look, it's just something I gotta get over," said Jess, "I don't want to lose you as a friend too. Just give me some time?"

"But what if I want us to be more than friends?" said Natasha.

Jess sputtered. "But you said you wanted to rethink us?"

"And I did," said Natasha, "I did a lot of rethinking. And I think I want us to be something more."

Jess thought about the cities they visited, the food...the romantic walks along the waterfront.

"You set up the entire trip just to get me to reconsider," Jess said, pointing an accusatory finger at Natasha.

"I saw an opportunity and took it," said Natasha smugly.

"I'm not sure whether to be touched or horrified."

"Touched, go with touched," said Natasha, and brushed a light kiss on her cheek.

Jess couldn't stop the stupid grin from stretching her cheeks. "So what made you change your mind?"

"Nothing really," said Natasha, tilting her head in consideration, "Just a different way of looking at things, I guess."

 

* * *

 

Look, everyone's bought gifts that the other person hated, but no one's gone and cried all over _you_ over how awful the gift was, have they?

"I'm sorry," said Jess, frantically, "Is it the shape? The color? We can take you back to the Bund and you can pick out something you like--"

"I don't want to die," bawled Vlad, leaking machine oil tears.

Jess was honestly baffled. "Well then, don't?"

"I want to keep living and skydive and ride armored sharks and hunt crocodiles--"

Jess stared at Natasha, horrified.

"They were just suggestions," said Natasha with a shrug, completely unrepentant.

"--and eat gallons of caramel gelato--"

"Wait, _what?!"_ shouted Jess, "We went globe-hopping because you said you hated caramel gelato!"

Vlad seemed to be shocked out of his meltdown. "Um, oops?"

Jess placed her hands on her hip. "Explain, mister."

 

* * *

 

"--and you were so _nice_ and I had to repay you and all I could think of was a road trip and--"

"Wait, wait, hold up," said Jessica, holding up her own hands, "You're starting to repeat yourself. So if I get you correctly, you wanted to do a buddy a solid and set up a nice cakewalk mission slash vacation."

"But your countdown sequence broke, so you can't stop it," said Natasha.

"Because my first taste of caramel gelato shorted a few things out," finished Vlad.

"Okay, great! This is something Tony can help with," said Jess, clapping her hands together.

"You don't understand," said Vlad, "I am a creation of Tlon. I do not have any moving parts, any wires. If you open my casing, there is nothing but empty air. _There is nothing for him to fix_."

Jessica, ran her hands through her hair in frustration.

"Wait, you said you were a creation of Tlon," said Natasha, "If we get you close enough to where the portal was, will there be enough energy?"

"To do what?" said Jess.

"To wish myself better!" said Vlad, waving his claw around in excitement, "This is an excellent plan."

 

* * *

 

The twisted remains of the Nursery was already being reclaimed by the rainforest. There was probably some lesson in all this about the endless cycle of nature, but Jess's education was a little light on ecology too, okay?

The blue light of Tlon's energy glowed around Vlad, lifting him out of Natasha's car.

"Oh," said Vlad with not a little surprise, "It seems my time here is up."

He was starting to disappear around the edges, like a scrap of paper in a lit fireplace.

"Wait, where are you going?" said Jess, reaching for him in panic.

"Home," said Vlad, calmly, "Give everyone my love, my friend."

So many people in Jess's life had left her, and here was another one, just like all the others. But hey, maybe it was time to try reaching out before things were too late. Things came back from Tlon, right?

"Only if you come back to share a tub of caramel gelato!" she shouted through cupped hands. Vlad made an OK sign with his claws, almost transparent. Jess blinked, and there was nothing but wide blue sky.

Natasha shifted the car into drive.

"Hey, you ever try making out in the back of a flying car?" asked Jess.

You know that saying, be careful what you wish for? Well, Jess can't complain.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from B.o.B.'s [Out of My Mind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1Czsw7OPUI).


End file.
